Scraps
by Kaethir
Summary: Harry, Ron, and Hermione passing notes in class - a serious of short, amusing ficlets. Warning: My attempts at humour may be fatal.
1. Where It All Began

**Disclaimer:** All these people belong to other people. And I am Kaethir, therefore I am Kae. Cept I think JK Rowling belongs to herself. Or her manager. But…yeah. XP Cap'n Jack Sparrow is from Pirates of the Caribbean. I really don't know why he's in this. Very odd and not funny at all. sigh I think my brain is on break. Yeap.

* * *

Part One, In Which We Discover That Everyone Hates Ron And That A Love Affair Is Afoot

Harry: Okay. I think that my brain is on the verge of exploding.

Hermione: Thank you very much for that insightful information. 'Specially when it's written on my bloody notes!

Ron: Oh, calm down, Mione. You'll live. Now, Harry's malady is much more serious. 'Cause I share it. I think there's a bug going around…

Harry: By the name of 'Transfiguration'?

Ron: How'd you guess?

Hermione: He's psychic. Now, would you two PLEASE shut up!

Ron: Why are you even bothering to read these, then?

Harry: -laughs loudly-

Hermione: -gives dirty look-

Harry: Hm. How is it possible to display our motions on parchment?

Kae: The magic of me.

Trio: -nod- Oooooh.

….

Harry: Eep!

Hermione: Eep!

Ron: Eep!

Cap'n Jack Sparrow: Eep, mates!

Hermione: -pushes- Go away. Wrong fanfic!

Ron: So…What exactly are we 'Eeping' about?

Hermione: -shrug-

Harry: You don't want to know. -hand to forehead- Tis terrifying!

Hermione: Just tell us, Shakespeare.

Ron: Do I want to know?

Harry: Nope.

Ron: I definitely want to know.

Hermione: So?

Harry: Good point.

Ron: And it's all 'cause I'm a lowly sidekick, miserably undermentioned and misunderstood.

Somewhere in England

JK Rowling: MWAHAHAHA! And so it shall be, for I, Queen Joanne, have willed it so! Wooooooo.

Trio: Woooooooo.

Ron: Awwww.

Kae: -patpat- S'okay, cause I still love you.

Ron: -perks up- Really?

Kae: No.

everyone laughs loudly, as to not anger the great Goddess who has the power to make them do ANYTHING in her fanfic-

Kae: -smugly sings- I've got the power!

Back in Transfiguration

Hermione: Aaaanyways…Back to the explanation. Eep..?

Harry: -sigh- Fine. shuddertwitch I think Malfoy was staring at me.

Trio: -madly look around-

Hermione: Still is.

Ron: Eww. Wonder what the evil git is planning now.

Hermione: Actually, it looks like a sorta…Lovey-dovey sort of stare.

Ron: -gapes-

Harry: -happily- Really!

everybody stares…again-

Harry: -cough- Err, I mean, eww! What!

Hermione: No doubt about it! -laughs- Ooh, Harry's got an admirer!

Harry: -dies-

Ron: -dies, first murdering Draco-

Hermione: And that's the sad end of them two. Boo-hoo. Now, back to my notes…

Ron: -cough- Thanks a lot, 'Mione.

Hermione: Happy to help!

Harry: -peek- He's still doiiiing it! -whine-

Ron: -ponders about various curses that can be utilized in such a situation-

Hermione: I think it's kinda cute.

Harry + Ron: -stare-

Harry: Mione, are you taking those pills again? Y'know, the ones that helped you get rid of those hallucinations of Snape in a thong…?

Hermione: -glower- I thought that was supposed to be a secret!

Ron: -cough- Do I want to know?

Harry: Nope.

Hermione: Woah, déjà vu.

Harry: The point IS, what the bloody hell is going on here? I mean, it's flattering and all, but it's MALFOY, for Merlin's sake!

Ron: Excuse me while I puke.

Hermione: You know, now that I think about it, you two would make SUCH a sweet couple. Harry and Draco sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-

Harry: EWWWW!

McGonagall: Mr. Potter? Is there something you three would like to share with us? How about that fascinating parchment full of notes?

Trio: -gasp-

McGonagall: Yes, I think that'll do.

dum-de-du-dum!

* * *

Kae: And I did NOT stop here just to miserably leave you hanging, or because I had no clue what to do next. pouts And if you say so, I will send my evil cheese stick minions to get you! -cough- 


	2. The Insanity Continues!

**Disclaimer:** Sadly, I don't own these people. Imagine if I did. –shuddertwitch- Or don't. Well, my pathetic attempts at humour (this is the behind-the-scenes juicy stuff that everyone REALLY wants to know!)

* * *

Part Two, Where Draco Takes Drastic Measures, Ron Keeps a Secret, and Harry Fears the World's Gone Mad

Harry: Dear Lord. That was quite a day.

Hermione: I'm glad we got the parchment back, though I think you attempting to Avada Kedavra McGonagall was a bit...Aggressive?

Harry: -shrug- I was never one to beat around the bush.

Ron: I heard Flitwick went after you like a barking dog in mad heat.

Harry: I know, who woulda thought? They never seemed to me like the secret-love-affair type.

Ron: I wonder what she sees in him...

pause-

Harry: Do you really want to know?

Ron: No. No, I don't.

Hermione: His nose is too large for my taste, really.

Harry+Ron: -stare-

Ron: ...Says the girl who fantasized about Snape.

Hermione: Would you /stop/ bringing that up!

Harry: -grin- You wish. But seriously, 'Mione, I'm quite disappointed in you. Snape? What gives?

Hermione: Well, he sort of reminds me of Alan Rickman. Y'know, the sexy Muggle actor.

Ron: If by 'sexy' you mean greasy, slick, and pale, I completely agree with you.

Hermione: -dreamy sigh-

Harry: Ron, please think about what you write before you alsdfjsdlkj do!

Ron: Whaaa? What?

silence-

Ron: OH, EW!

Hermione: Mmm...

Harry: -cough- Anyways. Back to my dilemma. You know, I'd rather sort out this Malfoy thing before I have to be sent off to St. Mungo's...

Ron: Yes, the singing Valentine did go a bit far, didn't it?

Harry: I haven't been that embarrassed since the 'his eyes are as green as fresh pickled toad' incident.

Hermione: D'you think he'll join your fan club?

Harry: Oh, Merlin. I hope not.

Ron: Imagine, instead of the 'Potter Stinks' badges, he might start making 'Potter is a great big sexy beast!' ones...

Harry+Hermione: -stare-

Hermione: Ron, sweetie? Is there something you want to tell us? Something you should've mentioned before we began making those wedding arrangements?

Ron: -shifty eyes- Nooo... Err, think about it, Harry – if you're our best man, and you don't hook up with Ginny by that time, maybe Malfoy can be the maid of honour! Green silk should suit him, he is a Slytherin after all, and that low cut bodice...-trails off-

Harry: -facepalm- Has the world gone mad?

Hermione: Y'know, I think I'll drop out of school and take up mining.

Harry: -stare- Apparently.

* * *

**A/N:** Will Draco be the maid of honour? Is Hermione really going to take up mining? Does Ron have something to tell us? And has the whole world gone MAD? Find out next time, on SCRAPS! Bwahahahahah...! 


	3. Who Woulda Thought?

**Disclaimer:** Not mine. I like to pretend they are, but unfortunately, no. Curses! Yes. Well, this is Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle passing notes – to tell 'the other side' of the story -wink- That is, if you could call this a conversation...

* * *

Part Three,In WhichThe Extent of Draco's ObsessionIs Revealed and Voldie Is In Denial About His Sexual Preference

In Potions-

Draco: -sigh-

Vincent: ...?

Draco: You moron. At this point, I'd make some sort of sarcastic comment involving your brain capacity and that of cheese, but alas, I am too busy mourning my love.

Gregory: ... ?

Draco: Insert a comment about your odour here. Anyways, look at him...Mm. At our last Harry Potter Fan Club meeting, we discussed whether he looks more like Johnny Depp or Orlando Bloom. Yes, we do address /very/ serious issues. I strongly suspect that the cookies were laced with something, though. Bloody Colin Creevey.

Vincent: ...

Draco: Yes, well, he does provide the whole range of Harry photographs for sale. I wonder what Harry'd say if he ever found out that anyone and everyone in Hogwarts knows that he owns a pair of ducky boxers. Y'know. Among other things.

Gregory: Something along the lines of, you sick bastard?

Draco: Gasp! Greg, you can talk! That puts you just about one brain cell above Vinnie-dearest. Well...Two is one more than one, isn't it? And neither of us is the sick bastard. Now, on the other hand, when one discovers that both Dumbledore AND Voldemort bought copies, questions arise...

Vincent: ...?

Draco: Yeah. I strongly suspect that the Dark Lord's whole 'Die Potter die!' obsession stems from suppressed sexual tendencies. More like 'Rawr Potter rawr!'. You know, over my dead body, really. As if he could hold a candle to me. He could, however, go indulge Snape – I don't think that man's had any action, since, well, ever. A bit sad for a Slytherin. I wonder if we can vote him off the island – I mean, out of our House.

Survivor music plays-

Gregory+Vincent: -something resembling nods-

Draco: During 'Sharing is Caring' time in our 'Evil Bastards Unite' group, I once heard that someone tried to dye his hair pink with that stuff that comes out with one wash. Obviously, they didn't succeed, otherwise it would still be pink.

Gregory: ...

Draco: You can say that again.

Gregory: ...?

Draco: You bastard. Remark insulting your mother, father, general relatives, and pretty much everyone in this entire world.

Gregory: ...!

Draco: Comment suggesting your sexual preference.

Gregory: ...

Draco: You're right, I shouldn't be talking. I mean, considering that Harry and I have spent the past countless years fighting and bickering, and attempting to deny our obvious passionate lust for each other, its only perfectly natural that we'd end up one day confessing our undeniable, sweet-sweet lurve?

Vincent: ...

Draco: Suggestion that you didn't get hugged enough as a child. Which is probably true, since your parents were off torturing Muggles and whatnot. S'okay, we all went through it at some point. We should form a club, but I suppose it'd be more like a cult – Death Eater Kids United. 100-percent kid-friendly!

Vincent: ...

Draco: Oh, you're right, we already have one of those. S'called Slytherin. Ooh, speaking of that, I had the most /fabulous/ idea yesterday! Little charm bracelets with various insignia on that symbolizes our deep devotion for the delusional prat who dubbed himself Voldie. -squeal- They'd be /all/ the rage!

Gregory: -squeal-

Draco: I know! Oh, last time I heard, he was referring to himself in third person and insisting everyone call him the Dark Lord of Sith. Duh, at Malfoy Manor, at tea last Saturday? Maybe I should bring those drugged cookies and get him addicted to heroin. So I could stalk Harry fulltime. Yes, but then I'd be all hero-y, and that's SO lame. Then again...

Vincent and Gregory slowly drift off to sleep as Draco drones on-

* * *

**A/N:** Poor Draco. Nobody cares. I would like a cookie though. How about you? 


End file.
